A devotional by Sandy Martin

When my daughters were little, I had this hard plastic molded bike seat mounted on the back of my bicycle. My oldest daughter and I had more time to bike the back roads of New Holland, because there would not be a sibling until 3 years later. I became very confident with the additional weight on the back of my bike and began to take her on longer and longer road trips.

One particular afternoon we set out on a ride that included Himes Hill, which is a big hill on a winding road that continues on for about a mile. I was feeling pretty confident! As we progressed up the hill, I felt the heat of the day rising, my muscles were aching, and it took all that I had just to make slow progress. Because the hill was steep- if I did get off my bike there was a real danger I would lose my balance with the weight of my daughter on the back. I was committed. No turning back!

My daughter sitting on the back was feeling a bit bored since we were going so slow and she didn’t understand why. What she did next really pulled the trigger that set my gun a-firing! She reached up under my sweaty shirt with her little fingers and said “tickle, tickle, tickle!”

I flipped out! I yelled at her and said, “STOP THAT NOW!” While the words were direct, my tone of voice was screaming anger! She began sobbing because Mommy had raised her voice. It was a traumatic experience for both of us. We finally made it to the top. But there was no joy or celebration in it. I felt exhausted, sad for what I did to my daughter, and disappointed with my behavior. I didn’t even care that we’d made it to the top.

Obviously if your child is going to run out in front of a car, you need to yell at the top of your lungs. You can’t worry about responding in a kind tone. But, what about the times when you respond curtly or in hurtful ways without even listening or asking questions? I know for me, as a child I was taught to not act out in anger. But I never learned what to do with that anger. Where does that leave you? You have to either push it down or deny you feel it. We all know that sets you up for an overreaction somewhere down the road. Suppressed anger can also lead to addictive behaviors.

Words come quickly to me. There are times when this is very helpful. But there are times in anger and conflict that it’s not helpful at all, and in fact very hurtful.

James has a great equation that’s been very helpful in times when I feel the anger welling up. Let me first say that anger is a secondary emotion, so giving attention to identifying the emotions under the anger is also helpful (Ex. hurt, betrayal, unmet expectations, or disrespect).

Here’s what James 1:19 says,

My dear brothers and sisters, take a note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Listening is so important. Be fully present, engage in the words you hear. Note your feelings and their body language. Ask questions to clarify what was said. This will bring greater understanding. It also says to the one speaking that you value them and what they have to say. But to do this I must submit my own agenda for how this conversation should go and where it should land. Being the person that is speaking gives a feeling of power. I am directing the conversation. But by being slow to speak, I must be willing to give up that sense of control.

Being slow to anger means I give up my right for revenge, even if this is a repeated, same old, same old offense. It’s healthy to set boundaries if someone treats you poorly or sins against you repeatedly.

Anger is normal human emotion and what you do with it can make all the difference. It makes a difference in your horizontal relationships with others and your vertical relationship with God. Living in a fallen world means you will experience anger. But remember it’s a secondary emotion. You will learn much about yourself as you identify those things that trigger your anger most frequently. As you grow in your relationships, remember that conflict is a reality and getting angry is not all bad. It’s how you respond to it that makes all the difference.