Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

Today, Pam and I celebrate 31 years of marriage- no small feat in this current day and age.  I know we have a good half dozen couples in our church who have celebrated 50+ years, but 31 feels pretty monumental to me.

So, at the risk of sounding pretentious, I thought I’d share a few lessons I’ve learned along the way.  Pam could no doubt write her own, but these are from my perspective. There’s so much more I could share, but this is my best shot in a blog that I want to keep under 850 words.

Lesson #1 Love is a decision.  Years ago, Christian counselor Gary Smalley wrote a marriage book by that name.  I don’t remember the content, but the title stuck.  Love is a decision, a choice, a commitment to act in and for the best interests of the other person. And that makes for a good marriage. Emotions come and go, but commitment is the ballast that holds a couple together in the midst of the storm.  Frankly, there are times when either Pam or I are not behaving towards each other in a particularly endearing way.  It happens… and when it does, “we’re not feeling it!” But that is when the other partner can choose to love anyway.  Proverbs 15:1 says: “A soft word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” When shots get fired, one of us must choose to deescalate. And that act of selfless love disrupts our sinful patterns and creates space for peace and reconciliation. Our heavenly Father sets the example on this one.  “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”   And “When we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him thought the death of his Son” Romans 5:8 & 10. Amazing things happen when we extend grace to each other.

Lesson #2 It’s not right or wrong, it’s different.  Most couples come from significantly different backgrounds. We sure do. Pam’s family is outspoken, mine’s reserved. My family hunts, her family goes to classical concerts. They enjoyed eating out, we enjoyed eating in. And so, we both brought some radically different perspectives and preferences into our relationship.  Early in our marriage, I tended to place these differences into moral categories: My way was right, her way was wrong.  My perception was accurate, hers was inaccurate.  Over the years I’ve come to see that most often, our differences aren’t right and wrong, they’re just different. I’ve found that I can really benefit from stretching myself to enter her world and perspective and she into mine.  Her approach to a problem is often better than mine and there are many times when she benefits from my low keyed “go slow” approach.  Rather than view our differences as binary (yes or no), I now see them as, both/and.  We each bring a different toolkit to life and by working together we can figure out the best response to our current situation.  Like two pieces of a puzzle, our different outlooks complement each other and provide balance.

Lesson #3 We have an enemy, and it’s not each other.  Satan hates marriage because a loving marriage is a picture of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32).  I believe that all the forces of hell are aimed at destroying Christian marriage.  And by all accounts, he’s doing a pretty good job. One of the Enemy’s main tactics is to pit one spouse against the other.  It’s an old strategy but it works well- divide and conquer.  And so, when a problem arises, we instantly find ourselves on opposite sides of the fence, angry and blaming the other person.  Pam and I have found that to be a “lose/lose” approach.  Rather than pointing a finger at each other, we try to identify the root cause, the real enemy we’re fighting against.  So, it’s not “Steve is clamming up, moody and not talking” or “Pam is overscheduled, preoccupied and distracted” but “How can we build better intimacy into our relationship so we can truly connect.”  By identifying our common enemy, we can stand together and fight for our marriage rather than retreat to our own corners alone.  Whether marriage, a church family, or any relationship really, if we don’t stand together, we quickly fall apart.

Last night Pam and I went out to eat. We wanted to see the new “Top Gun” movie, but we didn’t plan well, and the theater was sold out.  But as I sat across the table from her, munching down my buffalo chicken salad, I truly saw God’s good gift to me. This woman, uniquely created in God’s image and so different from me has stood by my side for over three decades. We’ve had our highs and lows, but through it all, I’ve been enriched and blessed beyond measure. And there’s nothing I want more than to make it the distance, “till death do us part.”  By the grace of God and only by the grace of God, may it be so!