Appalachian Trail Devotional #2

Closure means finality; a letting go of what once was. Finding closure implies a complete acceptance of what has happened and an honoring of the transition away from what’s finished to something new. In other words, closure describes the ability to go beyond imposed limitations in order to find different possibilities. ~ Abagail Brenner

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. ~ Paul the Apostle, Galatians 3:13

One of the things I was looking for on my Appalachian Trail hike was closure.  Let me explain. Two years earlier in 2019, I had hiked 100 miles of the AT south through Shenandoah National Park, and it had been very painful time.  Not physical pain, like sore muscles, blisters and stress fractures, although that was true, but internal, emotional, and spiritual. One month earlier, I had stepped down from my position of 18 years as a pastor in Virginia after a very difficult season of ministry. I had no job, no backup plan and no idea what was next, so I hiked. Back then, my section hike became a time of wrestling with God.  I was heartbroken, struggling with resentment and grief and questioning both God and my ministry calling.

What a change two years has made!  Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was 1 month away from being asked to be a guest speaker at wonderful church in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, three months from actually preaching there, 5 months away from being a pastor candidate, six months away from being called to join a godly team of elders as lead pastor, 7 months away from selling our house and 8 month away from moving our family mid-school year to Pennsylvania. In spite of my doubts, questions and concerns, God had a plan all along. He sure has been good to our family.  We are happy, settled in, and blessed. And although it wasn’t easy, as I look back now, I wonder what all the angst was about.

BUT, after all of those months of good things and after a year of encouraging ministry I still sensed that I needed closure from the past grief and pain.  When I thought about the past, particularly incidents leading up to my resignation, it still stung. I was no longer bitter or angry, and I truly believe I’ve forgiven those involved and have addressed my own contribution to the way things fell out. But when I had quiet moments to myself or took a walk alone, my mind would invariably replay painful events.  Like a detective revisiting the scene of the crime or a coach reviewing video tape of a painful loss, I’d find myself going back again and again analyzing conversations and meeting that were long in the past.  At times, I find that those wounds still hindered me from trusting others, being vulnerable or taking risks. It was time to let it go. But how?

God’s timing is always perfect. A few months back, when we were in the process of hiring Isaac, our student ministry director and pastoral intern, I was reviewing our Employee Handbook so I’d be prepared to answer any questions he might have about his employment and benefits package.  And as I read, I ran across this line, “Each Pastoral staff member is required to take one paid working week involving a spiritual retreat each calendar year.”  Wow, somehow, I missed that when I was hired.  I checked with the elders, and they informed me that this was indeed legit.  And in that moment, I knew what my spiritual retreat would be.  Just like God had led our family down a very difficult path that led us from Virginia to Pennsylvania, now, as a moment of closure, I would physically walk with God on the Appalachian trail out of Virginia, across West Virginia and Maryland, and physically walk into Pennsylvania.  It was time to move on.

Nothing particularly special occurred when I crossed the line and stepped out of Virginia or into Pennsylvania.  There weren’t any fireworks or deep spiritual encounters. But it was meaningful, all the same.  I wonder if that’s what Abraham felt like when he obeyed God’s command to “leave his country, people and household and go to the land I will show you. (Genesis 12:1).”  And the very act of walking on the Appalachian trail all of those miles was a physical reminder that though the path is sometimes rough, in the end, God always gets us to our destination.

Having closure doesn’t mean that you never think about painful events, feel regret or question God.  But it does mean that you practice leave the past with God and stop second guessing things you cannot change.  Why let the past rob you of your present?

What do you need closure from- a tragic incident, painful mistake, or unresolved relationship?… or maybe just the ending of a season of life. Part of receiving God’s grace is letting go of the past, embracing the present and walking boldly with Jesus into the future.

In the wise words of Master Oogway in Kung Fu Panda: “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift… that’s why they call it the present.”