Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Romans 12:16

“Well, that was awful.”

I can’t begin to describe to you how uncomfortable I felt Sunday morning at 10:47 AM. For about 5 minutes I wanted to die, crawl in a hole, or just run away.  And then, after that Pam and I laughed and laughed and laughed. What else can you do when you embarrass yourself in front of several hundred people online?  For those who weren’t tuned in to our online worship this Sunday, or those who were, but were off getting a refill of coffee.  I missed a video edit in the sermon, so that it appeared I went rouge for about 7 seconds before the regular sermon kicked back in.

To give you a little back story, I find preaching to a camera without a live audience really challenging. Without people to actually talk to, it feels artificial and I sometimes lose my train of thought. I probably have undiagnosed adult ADD, but my mind either wanders or goes blank and I fumble around for words, even more than usual!  It happens once, maybe twice during the Friday recording of the sermon and it’s usually not a big deal.  We stop, reset, and begin again, and then I splice the video together later on. If you’re watching closely, you can see a little transition blur or blip where all of a sudden I’m sitting in a slightly different position.  Well, this past Friday was different.  I got stuck, really stuck. I must have started that paragraph a half dozen times or more. I just couldn’t get the thought out.  But finally, I got through it and finished up the sermon without a hitch. But when I spliced in the retake, I grabbed one of the wrong ones instead. As I watched on Sunday, I knew something was wrong as I started that sentence… and then it went downhill from there. It was a helpless feeling to watch my “off-camera” frustration broadcast to the world.

But you know what?  I’m grateful. I wasn’t right away, but I am now.

The first jumble of thoughts that came into my head was: “Oh no, that’s just horrible! … What will people think? … How embarrassing. …  What will the elders say? … People don’t know me that well, yet; I will be judged. …  How could I be so careless and stupid?” and then, again… “What will people think?”

But close on its heels, the Holy Spirit’s gentle conviction quickly followed in an equally jumbled way:  “Why does this matter so much to you?… Why are you so concerned with what people think? … If people only see a fake image that you try to project, how will you ever minister to them and how will they get to know the real you? … Can’t you forgive yourself for an honest mistake?” …  And final, “You know, Steve, that was really, really funny!”

I’m grateful.  In one swift rending, God revealed to me some hidden debris that had been slowly accumulating in the corners of my soul.  It’s not about me and it never has been.  It’s not about performance or program, it’s about the Spirit. That hurt, but thank you, Jesus.  Thank you. I want to be real.

Another thing I’m grateful for is the affirmation of God’s people.  Within five minutes, I received comforting words from our amazing church family.  “Thanks for being real.” “Thanks for being human” and “Nice imitation of an angry Baptist pastor.”  God used these wonderful men and women to confirm both His words to my heart and his providence in leading Pam and me to Bethany in the first place.  This is the kind of place and people, we want to serve.  People who are real, kind and gracious.  People who aren’t looking for a show or perfection, but instead want to live together in strong Christian community. I’ve been very blessed by you. Thank you.

And while I’m grateful for this humbling experience, you’d better believe I’m going to check any edits that I make for this Sunday!

Blessings and peace.